on suri

you hate tom cruise

you've hated him from a very early age

you were one of a presumably small number of children who wished he was shot down in top gun...

...actually shot down, killed

and hit the wall at speed in days of glory...

...seriously, scraped out of a twisted wreckage, for real

and had his skull cracked open like an egg by a stray bottle of bacardi in cocktail (cock tale?)...

...you would give your right ball for this footage, if it existed

you've just always found everything about him, well, offensive

and he's a scientologist

which is a problem, because scientology is one of several religions that should be wiped off the planet

tom cruise is someone you generally try to not think about

on the other hand, you really had a thing for katie holmes when you were a kid

(big BIG girl next door fan)

in fact, between katie's character (joey) in dawson's creek and danica mc kellar (winnie) in the wonder years, you're probably doomed to spend your life looking for an ideal that you don't actually want to attain

where's the Angst, where's the Drama in being happy?

anyway, katie's been ruined now

as if it wasn't enough that that fucking dwarf got his hands on nicole kidman, he's now after the barely nubile

okay, she's not that young, and in fairness if she can bare to breath (never mind breed) in the same room as cruise she's probably about as deep as the heels he lets women wear when playing opposite him on-screen, so let's not get too worked up about her life choices

the real problem is this

some minutes ago, dozing off around 2.30am with sky news on in the background as usual, you heard a report about the recent birth of his and her kid, which concluded:

Cruise previously announced that he intended eating the afterbirth and umbilical chord, quote, because they're so nutritious, but whether he has done so is as yet unconfirmed...

as either the ghost, widow or biographer of any rock star will tell you, vomiting when you're semi-conscious and/or lying on your back is not advisable

where does this stuck-up, facile little runt get off?

a) i don't fucking care if he eats the afterbirth, the mother and the child, i just really don't want to know - anyone who demands a silent birth, (no maternal screaming allowed for scientologists you know, and the doctors must communicate through gestures), because it might prove "distressing" to the baby is clearly mentally compromised and therefore capable of anything, including acts usually reserved for furry inhabitants of the Serengeti, and b) if you are gonna eat the afterbirth, and granted you wouldn't be the first to do so, keep it to yourself, you dick - i know you're a media whore but some things you just don't publicise, to protect the privacy of, say, the mother of your child... or her family... or your child, who the god's might just smile upon, call up a one-in-a-million genetic throwback that will see her grow up smart enough to carry out acts of simple cognition and maybe, just maybe, she could be upset, or "distressed" by reading in years to come about your selfish, wreck-loose and entirely reprehensible approach to dealing with the earliest and most precious days of her life

but hey, it's just a thought really

you're tired, you're irritable

you're probably wrong

maybe he'll choke