on bird flu

There are fears that the deadly H5N1 virus is behind the sudden illness of a swan on Dublin's Aungier Street.

The swan, which until last night appeared to be healthy, was apparently overrun with symptoms that bear all the hallmarks of the killer virus that has been stalking the area for some time now.

While people that know the swan seem confident that the illness is only a temporary one, the signs are nonetheless still worrying.

The symptoms include; bad manners; extreme and inconsiderate verbosity; premature and messy drunkenness; the excessive application of hugo boss aftershave; and primal attempts at mating (or "scoring") rituals, with the ultimate goal of the deranged creature becoming to rut blindly and violently in a rathmines bed-sit beneath a Free The Weed poster, whilst listening to a Pink Floyd Best-of CD, (2001).

Locals expressed their hope that the virus may only be in the early stages, as several samples taken from the swan suggest that the offending cells were first year bacterium, emboldened by the recent cold snap and the onset of rag week.

However, vigilance must be shown by all, as an enforced cull of so rare and beautiful a creature would surely be a tragedy from which the area would struggle to recover.